WARNINGS to computer users
- WARNING: Your computer warps space and time in its vicinity.
- WARNING: Your computer attracts every other piece of matter in the
universe, including the computers of other manufacturers, with a force
proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional
to the square of the separation.
- CAUTION: Your computer contains the energy equivalent
of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
- HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: Your computer contains
electrically charged particles moving at speeds in excess of
five hundred million miles per hour.
- CONSUMER NOTICE: According to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle,
it is impossible for you simultaneously to determine
precisely where your computer is and how fast it is moving.
- ADVISORY: There is a nonzero probability that,
through a process known as tunnelling, your computer may spontaneously
leave your domicile and reappear in your neighbour's.
The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damage or
inconvenience that may result from such a move.
- LIFETIME OF PRODUCT: According to certain
Grand Unified Theories, the protons in
your computer may decay within the next 10^35 years.
- THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the event that your
computer should come in contact with an antimatter computer, a violent
explosion will occur, annihilating both.
- PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of your computer,
in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the
universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the user is
warned that this process may ultimately lead to the heat death of the
- NOTE: Some of the most fundamental parts of your computer are held
together by non-abelian interactions mediated by gluons.
Mathematical understanding of these interactions is
lacking and hence adhesion cannot be
- ATTENTION: Notwithstanding any other listing of product contents,
you are advised that at any one time at least 99.9999999999% of the volume of
your computer is utterly devoid of material content.
- STRING THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may
have claimed that your computer is 9-dimensional
(or in the case of obsolete models 25-dimensional).
However, the user is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and
beyond those applicable to 3-dimensional objects, since the 6
(or perhaps 22) extra dimensions, if they exist,
are compactified so tightly that they cannot be detected.
- PLEASE NOTE: Quantum theory suggests that when the
user is not directly observing this computer
it may exist only in a vague
and indeterminate state.
- COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The most basic components
of your computer are exactly the same in every
measurable respect as those used in the computers of all other
manufacturers and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be
expressed or implied.
- HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when moving your computer,
since its inertia is dependent on its velocity relative
to the user.
- IMPORTANT NOTICE: The entire physical universe,
including your computer, may one day collapse back into an
infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently
re-emerge, the existence of your computer in that universe cannot be